Forgiveness

The 10th grade was an interesting year for me because I had lost 30 pounds the summer prior to the start of school and as a result people who had never paid me the time of day before were suddenly willing to talk to me. Although I was still very shy, I felt a little more comfortable in my own skin.

I sat in the last row near the windows in my Geometry class that year. I was friendly with the kids who sat around me and although I did more listening than talking (yes, I know that's a switch to how I am now) we did enjoy socializing before the start of class each day.

As the school year went on, there was a boy who sat in front of me who kept teasing me. At first I didn't think much of it, just that he wasn't fond of me, but as his teasing persisted, the kids around us told me that he was teasing me because he liked me. This made me very uncomfortable! I had never had a boy like me before and to add to that, the kids around me thought it was very funny that he would like me.

I can make excuses that I was young, or that I succumbed to peer pressure, but I'll never forget what I said to that boy one day. It may seem laughable now, but it really wasn't funny at all.

One day he came in and began teasing me as usual and I told him (I still tear up with shame, even now) that no one liked him, not even Santa Clause (it was around Christmas). The look on his face was awful. I really hurt him! At the end of class I apologized, but he walked away. The next day and the next and the next I tried to apologize to him. He would just give me a 'yeah, yeah' response.

As time passed, he was able to talk to me again, but it was never the same.

Several years ago I was at church and one of the gentlemen who lead the men's ministry there introduced us to this man he brought. This man had fallen on hard times and was trying to get clean. When we went up to meet him, it was the same boy I had been mean to years prior. My mind recollected the 10th grade incident with amazing clarity and the sickness in my stomach felt the very same as it had felt back then. I greeted him warmly and encouraged him in his journey and gave him a hug as we left that day. I've often wondered what happened to him. I hope he's done well.

It's been over 20 years since I made a very bad choice and hurt this boy, but clearly, I am still struggling to forgive myself. I am as desperately in need of God's forgiveness as anyone, but I think I can count on one hand how many times I have been mean to someone and it still breaks my heart to think of this.  This is also a good reminder of how damaging the tongue can be! (Psalm 141:3)

God tells us in 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. I still struggle to forgive myself for this sin from many years ago several years before I knew the Lord, and yet our amazing God can forgive every one of my sins and cleans me!

It never ceases to amaze me that God can love us so much!! It's also a humble reminder that I am but a sinful human, but God is so GREAT, LOVING, FORGIVING, FULL OF GRACE - too amazing to really comprehend!!

What do you think of / feel when you think about God's forgiveness? Do you need to ask Him to help you forgive yourself about something?

Next Week's Verse: Proverbs 3: 5-6